Breaking down the most uninteresting game of the week

If you’re a football fan, you will literally be masturbating while watching J.J. Watt bull rush Cordy Glenn. Honestly… that matchup will make more thighs damp this weekend than a Twilight Convention.

Sure you could get caught up in a tissue paper thin story line that would have something to do with football and Harvard and an inopportune INT…. in other words there’s some people you will encounter this weekend where the only legitimate response to whatever they say to you will be your middle finger.

Which brings me to the football game between the home Houston Texans and the visiting Buffalo Bills.

What’s really intriguing about this matchup is the promise of a QB battle that would rival the skill and finesse of a couple of 4-year-olds going all dueling pianos on some fisher price shit at 7am after you stayed out drinking all night to drown out the sorrows of being a fan of either of these teams.

With all that being said, someone has to win. My job, at least as I see it, is to take an educated guess (total guess) on who is going to win, and then to bullshit enough things about this matchup to make people feel comfortable with trusting me to tell them what the fuck is going happen.

So ahhh, I’m just gonna break this down by position… at least that seems like a good idea to start, I’ll probably lose interest half-way into it.


QB — Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. EJ Manuel


Holy shit I’m not a fan of either of these assholes.

Fitzpatrick is great when the tide is high and the weather is right. However, he’s less than ideal when the conditions are anything but perfect, and dammit his deep ball is shallow… but by God he has heart and an admiral ability to grow facial hair.

EJ Manuel will never be Elite like Eli or Flacco. He struggles under pressure (HOLY SHIT THEY HAVE J.J.WATT… J.J. MOTHERFUCKING WATT) misses open WRs, manages to use his legs against himself… don’t fucking question me on this, I’m not here to show my work.

Home team wins when everything else is disappointing and scary.

Advantage: Texans.


RB — Arian Foster and/or Alfred Blue vs. Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller


Ok fantasy fuckers… the Houston situation should spell itself out when the inactives list comes out. Play whoever starts and expect him to put up solid, but not spectacular numbers as the Bills are playing surprisingly well against the run this year, so far, probably ends tomorrow, but maybe not, hope this cleared that up for you.

As for Buffalo, Jackson and Spiller shouldn’t be considered anything more than a RB 2/3. Worth starting both, but neither should be your #1 unless you drafted a child abuser or left hook enthusiast.

Of course there is the possibility that the injury whore happened to wrap her lustful sticks around your RB’s waist and started screaming for MOAR!!!

Look… the point is, it doesn’t matter what the point is. Start CJ and Fred if you have them, even if you have both. You can’t risk missing out on a big play from Spiller or a random 32 yard 2 TD performance from Mr. Infredible.

Advantage: Bills.


WR — Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins vs. Sammy Watkins and Robert Woods


The Bills defense is bottom 3 against WRs in receptions, yards, and TDs this year so that’s a pretty good stat that Ryan Fitzpatrick probably has already talked about in meeting rooms. Ivy leaguers and flat bill fuckers love stats.

Andre Johnson is probable for the game, which means he’ll probably come up with 100 yards and a TD.
DeAndre Hopkins needs to get more involved so the coaches say. I love when coaches say this about players. Really means something when the guy responsible for the game plan just lets the other guy know what he’s planning.

D. Hop dropped a steamy 116 yards on the Giants coffee table last week, and I suspect he’s been eating a high fiber diet this week also.

Sammy Watkins really fucked himself against the Dolphins with that early break out game. Should have eased himself in, tried to stay under the radar (he is short anyway, or so I’ve heard). Now people are paying attention to him and he’s stuck with King Checkdown and Nate the Great Big Asshole Hackett (it’s actually true, google it before his people have it taken down)

Robert Woods is a wide receiver on the Bills. He should have the most ordinary of days. Something like 4 receptions for 38 yards and at least 1 hit on defenseless WR after EJ overthrows him on what would have been a big gain.

Andre Motherfuckin’ Johnson people!

Advantage: Texans.


TE — Garrett Graham vs Scott Chandler

Nothing makes me damp like the thought of these two powerhouses battling it out to settle, once and for all, who the 15th best TE in the league is.

Honestly going to take a break from writing for a bit to handle a personal issue right now.

I guess if your TE is hurt, or on a bye, you can start one of these slapdicks and hope for a TD, they’ll both probably get one.

Advantage: is a strong word to use here. Even.



aren’t people… stop asking.




The Bills are facing Fitzpatrick and the Texans are facing EJ, so both team D’s are a good play. Home team gets the edge I think, and probably also JJ Watt might kill EJ Manuel which would be a bad thing in the way that it’s bad when a really old person dies, where you’re sad but also relieved cause how they smelled funny and always wanted hugs right after a shower.

Anyway, If you’ve made it this far congratulations… you’re easily older than you were when you started reading this and older means wiser, so you’re welcome for that.

As a token of my appreciation for you reading this whole, poorly written, not wellthought out at all blurb on a game that will have no significance to the 2014 NFL season… here’s a video of a cat jumping off a girls tits.

Oh yeah. Texans 24 Bills 16


Just another opinion with an asshole.

  • LordCastleton

    This is my favorite article of the season. Great job.


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