Introduction: The Street Free Agent

Hello I’m the Street Free Agent and I’ll occasionally be spitting out hot takes in long form here with the savages. Be warned, if you are looking for me to explain my process of ANALysis you may as well be waiting for Tim Tebow to snort a pound of cocaine off a hooker’s twat while reciting passages from the Koran.

No matter what I write I assure a degree in advanced mathematics will not be required to understand and you won’t have to reread a paragraph 6 times cause you lost interest the first 5 times after trying to figure out what fucking stat some Calculator Captain is using to push “their” guy on you. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t “read” some of the stat jockey articles that are all over the place, the truth is I just look for rankings and insight from a handful of guys I like and few I don’t, but who happen to pretty good at the prognostication shit. As far as I’m concerned any article that contains more stats than entertainment can go fuck off forever.

“A steady diet of booze and a complete and utter lack of fucks is the recipe for turning yourself into a success”
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting the writers of said articles choke down a few sleeping pills with some ‘Tussin an hour before getting in their car in the garage and reprogramming all the radio stations to Christian rock only to fall asleep and die of carbon monoxide poisoning while Jars of Clay plays in the background, but I’m not, not suggesting that either.

So fuck off with your advanced stats you bunch of pocket protector wearing cunts and maybe just give us the Bulleit points cause no one gives a fuck about reading your textbook before watching grown men try to break each other’s wills and brains in a game that few understand the rules to anymore. #FuckGoodell. You might as well be explaining the Pythagorean Theorem to a drunk orangutan with all those numbers.

What I’m trying to say is if your article needs to include a paragraph explaining what fucking excel spreadsheet, advanced calculus formula bullshit you used to figure out which players score the most points in the 3rd quarter on the road against a team with a left-handed right tackle then you need to go shuffle off this motherfucking mortal coil, and do it with a quickness that rivals every 1st round draft pick of the Al Davis Raiders. (side note: how could a motherfucker as badass as Al Davis be responsible for creating some fucked up mash-up of every 6-year-old ever and a camel’s toe?)

Where was I? Fuck it who cares, look I don’t hate stats but any asshole knows you can find a stat to support damn near anything you want it to. So go ahead and pretend to understand what these Number Monkeys are churning out, but don’t forget to actually watch the games. A healthy dose of both, along with a steady diet of booze and a complete and utter lack of fucks is the recipe for turning yourself into a success. Trust Your Gut ANALysis.

I’m sure there’s some science behind it, and hell I may have read something myself but I can’t remember what it was, maybe something about how your first impulse on something is usually right. Experts will probably tell you that “usually right” don’t cut it, but fuck that. The “experts” are only right 60% of the time anyway which is better than a coin flip, but it’s not like they possess some of the secrets to the fucking universe while you sit there picking your nose and eating it (tastes like chicken.)

The point is I play fantasy football for the fun of it, I already have a job I hate, I don’t need this to become a fucking grind and I know I’m not alone here. My advice is stop trying to turn fantasy football into poker or some other skill game. Fantasy football is an educated guess. Sure outcomes can be tipped ever so slightly in your favor in some cases, but never forget that you are just group thinking your way into a decision on who to draft, sit, start, etc. and that in the end another human being who doesn’t give a fuck about you is playing the actual game.

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Just another opinion with an asshole.


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