Well… it’s almost over. As we approach the end of the 2014/15 NFL season and my team has long since been eliminated from the ultimate prize, I, like many of you poor bastards whose teams didn’t make it and are already feeling the depression of life without football for the next several months, have already started thinking about what teams like mine are going to do to fix their franchises in one off season. Because that’s how it works, right?
Not so fast… While it’s fun being an optimistic homer idiot about your team and thinking about what steal their going to grab, it’s equally fun and satisfying to figure out which franchises you’re gonna laugh at for totally blowing it. Because that’s part of the fun… giving your poor bastard buddy who’s a Browns fan shit.
With that in mind… I decided to put a list together of the top five teams most likely to fuck up their 2015 draft. Enoy…
Counting down from number 5…
5. Cleveland Browns
Why? Because they’re the Browns and it’s extremely hard to fight whatever curse is on that godforsaken franchise. If they flipped a coin there’s a 75% chance they’d guess wrong. I’m 100% certain of that. That’s just how shit goes in LeBronland. I mean… they let some homeless dude play GM with a first round pick for fuck’s sake.
It’s still early so I’m not trashing JFF just yet, but it’s not looking good. Add to that Josh Gordon probably leaving because he can’t not fuck up off the field and them probably going with Hoyer, who let’s be honest, I like and I want to do well because he seems like a great guy and all but c’mon… he’s probably backup quality at best.
So what the hell are they going to do?
Welp… shit if I know, but they just seem like a franchise that’s always going to be missing some important pieces. Just like most other teams that rarely make, much less make noise in, the playoffs.
And that brings me to our next potential team. My beloved Chiefs…
4. Kansas City Chiefs.
Why??? Zero fucking wide receiver touchdowns. ZERO. What was supposed to develop into a powerhouse offense with Andy Reid in charge… at least in my mind anyway… managed to set football back 50 years.
How is zero wide receiving touchdowns even possible in this era?
Well… 2013 first overall pick Eric Fisher missed all of the last off season heading into his second year as a pro recovering from injuries and got off to a slow start. He did improve throughout the season however, but regressed mightily versus father time’s evil older brother James Harrison in a pivotal loss to the Pittsburgh Stealers. *No Jimmie that’s not a typo.*
Fisher does show some promise but the jury’s still out as far as him developing into a franchise left tackle. Which isn’t something you want to hear going into year three for your first overall pick in a draft, especially for a left tackle. That type of pick is supposed to be a plug and play All Pro from day one. And so far… eh?
Though they “overaChiefed” (see what I d… welp. OK, I’ll shut up) for most of the season they are definitely a team with some major holes to fill and some big questions like: Will middle linebacker Derrick Johnson DA GAWD come back healthy and return to form from a torn Achilles, and will Eric Berry return as well (God bless you, breh. Praying for you, man). Other needs include pretty much securing a new, and here’s the really important part, NFL caliber offensive line that’s less offensive to Chiefs fans and more offensive to their opponents. Another need is adding depth in their defensive secondary and at middle linebacker.
But a crazy stat like ZERO WIDE RECEIVER TOUCHDOWNS could be enough to persuade John Dorsey to move up to grab a wide receiver too early. Or even worse… pulling a Bills move and selling the farm to get an Amari Cooper.
Please Chiefs… don’t be that guy.
Best case… turn some of their many, many picks in this coming draft into fewer but very, very good ones somehow and supplement the rest through free agency. Fingers crossed.
3. Miami Dolphins
Why? Not because they weren’t decent or have a ton of holes to patch up but because I’m not totally sold on their talent and they’re in a pretty tough division. Tannehill is still raw, even as young QBs go. He’s been solid overall though and shows promise as a potential franchise QB. But… is he going to develop into the type of QB that can elevate a franchise or just remain a guy that’s pretty good but not great and you have to add a ton of pieces around him all the while needing to also put together a pretty good fucking O-Line because he’s going to need very good protection against Rex, Todd and Bill’s respective defenses to be able to produce consistently. *cough-Chieheefs-cough*
The good news is they do seem to have some nice pieces there since last year we had a draft for the ages at the wide receiver position. They have a nice, developing receiving corps there and decent running backs. Their most obvious needs are O-line, linebacker and corner back. Although they could still stand to add another receiver as well.
2. Tampa Bay Bucs
Why? Because they have the number one pick and by definition that’s a shitty place to be when you’re in need of a QB in this draft and have a shit ton of holes to fix almost everywhere else. Where they’re OK… WR and RB. Where they’re not… everywhere else. Not a whole lot of brain power necessary to understand this situation. The big risk for them… if they go QB, they better hit on that pick because a bust at no. 1 could set this team back for a decade. See “JaMarcus Russell and the Raiders” for further explanation.
1. Buffalo Bills
Because they fucked up last year by trading two ones and a fourth to move up and get Sammy Watkins. Not that Sammy sucks or anything, the kid shows tremendous promise. But because of Odell Beckham Jr, Kelvin Benjamin, Martavis Bryant, Davante Adams… you get the picture.
That trade to grab Sammy was like going car shopping for a luxury sport sedan and buying a base model C-Class for the price of an S65 AMG… and all the while you could have gotten a kickass Audi RS5 or BMW M3 or whatever for what you should have paid for your C-Class. Not that the C-Class isn’t a nice car or anything but you’ll always kick yourself in the ass when your neighbor from down the street drives by in their hot ass S65 AMG OBJ special edition coupe and yells “SUP, BREH!” while giving you the finger because you’re an idiot.
*actual dramatization of what thay might look like*
Even worse… they did that to get EJ Manuel (pause for laughter) another weapon to not be able to get the ball to. And now… bring Rex into the mix.
While the Bills already have a hellacious defense that’s only going to get better with Kiko Alonso coming back and with a head coach that knows a a thing or two about how to use them, they do have one huge, glaring weakness… the quarterback position.
The Bills enter draft season with a questionable QB class and no first round pick. There are also no QBs worth a shit in free agency either. So what to do… trade up again for a top QB and there’s only one, maybe two making an already risky proposition even riskier? Or probably reach for one in the second round?
Best case… trade down, continue to add depth and still come away with a decent QB prospect that can compete with EJ (again, pause for laughter) and maybe play at least as well as Kyle Orton did last year while mildly buzzed. I mean Kyle Orton… not the new kid… whoever that is.