To Whom It May Concern,
Yesterday, while discussing recreational drugs and the type of product I use on my beard with my hair stylist, I was alerted to a BLOCKBUSTER NFL trade. The Buffalo Bills sent Kiko Alonso to the Eagles for LeSean McCoy, and naturally, twitter shit itself.
Fans of both organization started jumping off figurative cliffs; it’s too bad more of them didn’t jump off literal cliffs. While the Eagles may be done with the bold moves after that trade, the Bills weren’t. Today, they made another blockbuster trade sending a 2015 5th-round pick and a 2016 7th-round pick for QB Matt Cassel and a 2015 6th-round pick. Are the Bills a team of destiny? I say yes, but what that destiny brings is unknown to me.
Perhaps the Bills will parlay these two trades into an honest to Jebus playoff run. A shut-down defense, Pro Bowl RB, and a QB who exudes mediocrity may just be the recipe for a championship for the Bills; hell it worked for Trent Dildo and Brad Johnson. Of course, the other destiny that they may have in store might be more reminiscent of a girl I once knew whose name is Destiny. Destiny had an incredible ability to blow out 3 candles from two feet away with just one powerful pussy fart. The PC crowd call it a queef. Sorry if you’re offended by pussy fart. How can a cheap stripper with an incredible talent represent the potential of an NFL team you might ask. I’m not here to spoon feed this information to you, so figure it out. I’ll just say that I’m hoping for the championship, but if this season turns into a powerful pussy fart, then I say queef on!
Go ahead and read that over again if you must. There was a lot of information to digest.
Let’s start with the Matt Cassel trade shall we? Ok. Once Kyle Orton decided he’d rather do nothing than play in the NFL, it was just a matter of time before the Bills added a veteran QB. Would it be Mark Sanchez? That was the easiest bullshit to sling for people with “sources.” What about Brian Hoyer? He is a winner in games where he doesn’t throw it more than 30 times and Rex like to run so that made sense right?
We all knew that it had to be someone because EJ Manuel, while supposedly a nice guy and hard worker, just isn’t very good.
BOOM. Matt Cassel to the rescue. This guy once learned from Tom Brady and Bill Belichick so, obviously, he’s been close enough to elite to have some of that stank rub off on him, I think. The Bills basically traded nothing: 2015 5th and 2016 7th, for Cassel and a 2015 6th. If this was a school lunchroom trade, it would be the equivalent of trading a warm tuna fish sandwich for a bag of baby carrots and some light ranch dressing.
That being said, what a lot of people don’t know is that Matt Cassel is 10-9 against the AFC East in his career which means he’s a winner. Of course, anyone can twist any stat to support their agenda, but 2 stats…. Well 2 stats make it a fact. How about this; on 3rd and medium to long, Cassel is a 54% passer with 16 tds and only 5ints. The Bills are going to run like OJ on the freeway, so they’ll probably find themselves in plenty of 3rd and medium to long situations and you need a guy that can win, in that situation. If those stats don’t scream 3rd down champion, I don’t know what to tell you. As for the picks, who gives a fuck. There are far more 5th-7th round draft picks that no one remembers than there are Tom Bradys, so fuck the picks and fuck you if you’re really pissed about not having a 5th round pick to waste on some slapdick from Boise or East Tennessee State.
What about sending a legend to Philly for a running back. Kiko Alonso took Buffalo by storm his rookie year. He was like a Tasmanian devil on copious amounts of meth.
That crazy fucker was everywhere and nowhere. I have sources who say he once delivered a baby in a stadium bathroom during halftime, while performing CPR on an elderly hot dog slinger and still didn’t miss a play. Sadly, his sophomore slump was a blown-out knee, and I guess that means he really wasn’t a legend because legends don’t need knees to be great do they? (I’ll take your answers to this question in email form only).
So what did the Bills get in return for this non-legend? How about 3 time pro-bowler LeSean McCoy.
McCoy is everything CJ Spiller was supposed to be. Sure, Spiller had a few electrifying moments, but he did more line-dancing than what you’d see at a George Strait concert. CJ Spiller is so indecisive that my girlfriend could decide where to eat every day for an entire year before he could make one cut.
McCoy may not be thrilled that Chip Kelly thought he was only worth a 24 year old LB, with 1 season in the league and coming off a knee injury, but I’d bet my bile duct that he changes his tune once he realizes he’s about to make a run at 2,000 rushing yards. Now that’s some legend shit. Take the Bills out of the equation and McCoy is 2-1 vs. the AFC East and that makes him a winner, and more importantly makes the trade a win for the Bills.
So what have we learned today? Most likely nothing, but I’m contractually obligated to write more than 1,000 words to get paid, so I’ll elaborate.
The Bills are fucked at QB. They have been fucked at QB for so long that trading for a 33 year old journeyman QB makes perfect sense. I mean it’s not like they just recently drafted their QB of the future. Matt Cassel is instantly the best QB on the roster, the Bills will probably say things that lead people to believe that the QB position is an open competition, but EJ Manuel couldn’t beat out a guy who literally had no chin so Cassel could probably just spend 3 months jerking off on his playbook and still win the job.
Adding LeSean McCoy was as bold a move as the Bills have made in so long that I don’t remember, or care to look up. People called the Sammy Watkins trade a bold move, but that was only because some people don’t know the difference between bold and dumb as fuck. The Bills did not miss Kiko Alonso at all. Period. Fuck you.
You know what they did miss? A fucking run game. I know some of you cunts are going to talk about how shitty the OL was, and you’re right. The OL was shittier than a sick baby in a tight diaper… that shit was all the way up their backs is what I’m saying. But talent rises above situation. CJ Spiller was too busy dancing around looking for a big play to just take what was in front of him. In LeSean McCoy, the Bills get a guy that can make the big play, but who is also smart enough to take what’s in front of him. Dancing is for assholes on TV shows, not professional footballers. Hi Michael Sam.
EDITOR’S NOTE: WHEW
I’ve said a lot here, and to be honest, I don’t remember most of it.
If I had to score these 2 trades I’d say the Bills won both. Hands down, so for all you shitbag fans talking about not supporting the team because they traded for Cassel and traded away Kiko, I can only say; go fuck yourselves, you shortsighted naive cunts.
Bye for now,