Almost two weeks ago the world found out that the defending champion Seahawks would be facing the treasonous Patriots. A team so vile, so disgusting, so…. so spineless to play an entire half of football with balls that do not meet the NFL regulated minimum of 12.5 psi.
NFL Super Bowl XLIX
Sunday, February 1, 5:30 PM CT on NBC
University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale, Arizona
- National anthem: Idina Menzel
- Halftime show: Katy Perry featuring Lenny Kravitz
- Cost of 30-second commercial: 4.5 million fucking dollars
What I’m trying to understand is why the NFL agreed to a rule that allows teams to dick around with their balls to their QBs liking, but also try to tell the teams that the dicking around must remain within certain restrictions. Why would the NFL put restrictions on ball pressure when the league so obviously values scoring over everything else. Points on the board make millions of people’s thighs damp, they make suit wearing executives pop mid-day boners over the thought of how much money they can make off the collective thigh sweat of previously stated millions of people who can’t wait to find an escape from their shit lives a few days a week. (side note, two days a week was plenty Roger. Fuck you for Thursday games)
Look we are getting off track here, the point is, the Patriots are the most unpatriotic team in the NFL and probably all of sports. Cheating is un-American. It’s just not what we do, ever, I can think of no occasion when an American has ever cheated as egregiously as when the Patriots let an extra 1 psi out of 11 balls and proceeded to play worse in the first half with said deflated balls then they did in the second half, with apparently regulation spot on 12.5 psi balls. Go ahead and read that again it was a lot of words for me in a row, the editor sucks.
Editors Note: He’s not wrong.
On the other coast is a truly American team. These guys have no history of doing things that are against the rules and regulation of the NFL machine. Well, except for all the Adderall, but other than that they’re the fucking models of Americana. Sure Russell Wilson likes big assed “instagram models” and fucking other dudes girlfriends, but he also spends time visiting children’s hospitals and has a sweet jeri curl so honestly I’m not sure what I was saying, probably the ADHD (Adderall might help imo). What about that Legion of Boom huh? Any nickname that also works in professional wrestling is some American shit not to be questioned, so back off my tread.
Marshawn Lynch gets his own paragraph ’cause let’s face it, Beastmode owns media days. Lynch has made it clear he isn’t interested in playing the media game. Of course that pissed off a bunch of self-serving middle-aged white sports reporters and bloggers, most of them closeted racists who get offended when called on it, but deep down they fucking know it. Entitled cunts. The NFL wants to fine a player who so clearly just wants to be left alone to play the game. The reporters feel as though he should be forced to answer their mostly inane questions with mostly formulaic answers. Absurd. And to the lot of you that feel he should be fined, suspended, beheaded, etc I say Fuck You.
Now that the bullshit is done maybe a little discussion on the actual game?
Fuck no, there’s also the issue with the Patriots ability to fuck shit up playing the eligible/ineligible game. Which by the way isn’t anything new. Bill Belichick isn’t a genius for creating it; he is smart as fuck for bringing it back into style like Pete Prisco did with jean shorts. Apparently the refs are going to do a better job of informing the Seahawks of who is and isn’t eligible. I don’t know about you but I have full fucking trust in NFL officiating. They have been so consistent that I can’t see how anyone has an issue with them. If you do have an issue with them I hope you know it can’t be their entire fault. In the last few years the NFL rulebook has gone from understandable to some fucked up football version of trying to read Infinite Jest while tripping balls on some high-grade mushrooms.
What I’m trying to say is Tom Brady will force himself to play with a 12.5-13.5psi ball because he is a professional footballer and because no matter what happens he will likely spend 3-7 minutes with his dick inside Gisele Bunchen late Sunday night – earlier Monday morning, and that’s the type of happy thought that can get you through any obstacle no matter how insurmountable it may seem.
I am not sure how to feel about Russell Wilson this week. I feel like his curl is off, and when a man’s hair isn’t right, how can the man be right? You can’t answer that question so stop trying and accept it as 100% true.
There should be no discussion about what Marshawn Lynch will do in this game. He is going to strap Oakland on his back and break a few souls on Sunday, but will that action be enough, Boss?
I think I’ve made myself pretty clear and although I probably don’t have to say it I’m going to, mostly for the degenerate gamblers.