This week I said I was too lazy to write a Bills / Dolphins game preview cause of a vacation and short week and fuck you I’m not here to explain myself to you mom, jeez. Then I was stupid and asked twitter what other game needs my steaming hot takes.
Luckily 1 person responded, literally one, but since he played pro football and more importantly is a game designer for the Madden video game that makes him worth like 10 of you combo flat billed – stat jockey – ice in whiskey assholes so he wins and you get to keep being you, all sad and lonely yelling at your moms for starching your god damn boxer briefs.
A little about this man among other smaller men and probably a few women who may read this, well all you really need to know is there was one time he saw John on the street and Madden literally reached into his jowls and pulled out a turkey leg for him.
Clint Oldenberg was brave enough to ask for a Bears / Vikings preview, so if the following sucks you can blame it on him, I’m just over here trying to please the fans.
The Minnesota Football Vikings roll into town ready to pillage and rape (lawyers note: figuratively) the Chicago Football Bears who will attempt to claw their way out of the axes of defeat and into the proverbial honey pot of success.
That’s right folks its time for a classic NFC North football tilt where these two teams find themselves in a fight for last place in the division which is not an easy thing to achieve with the constant threat of another Detroit Lions bed shitting.
When I think about the Chicago Bears I think about William Perry eating a roasted sucking-pig, naked, while slurping cheap wine from an antique vase and yelling something about loving cold cuts more than Icky Woods. Probably should tell that to my shrink, might be a sign that I should start flossing daily instead on the night before my next appointment, look I don’t know about all this science stuff, except maybe how to measure GRIT, which is top 3 in my all time stats I’d like to get naked and sweaty with.
Lost my train of thought for a moment there, but you know what else I think about? Matt Forte and not just cause he’s got a perfectly shaped head (Jerome Simpson would probably push his mom in the pool at a small informal gathering to have a head like Forte’s…. revenge game for Ole 5 Head is what I’m eluding to cause he’d probably still be in the league if his massive head didn’t steer him in the wrong direction).
You don’t need to hear about Matt Forte projections, just plan on 150 total yards, a TD and maybe 3-7 receptions. If you got him you start him or go fuck off.
Jay Cutler. He’s the QB. Gets BJs from a hot ass chick on the regular. Of course you hate him, but Jay Cutler ranks extremely high on the Gives No Fucks Scale, which means he’s probably going to drink a bottle of George Dickell kick up the insulin pump and fuck some shit up.
Cutler is going to piss on all of his haters this weekend I can just feel it in my balls, feels like that dull pain that sets in 5 minutes after I thought it would be a good idea to slide down 2 flights of stairs with nothing but my panties on with a beer in each hand and managed to land the dismount on my giblets. The applause was spectacular though.
What does that mean for Jay’s ball catchers you might ask? It means I rank them Alshon, Martellus, then Marshall. I have done some serious calculations to sort all this out, but that would probably bore you so here it goes;
Jeffery 7 – 108 – 1.07 / Marshall 6 – 89 - .348 / Bennett 4 – 49 - .698
Defense – they play it.
When I think of the Minnesota Vikings I think of Cris Carter snorting a fat line of Peruvian Meow Meow off the hindquarters of Jeff Christy while he’s snapping a flaming bag of dog shit at the front door of Roger Goodell’s summer cottage. Probably another thought to share with my shrink (full disclosure my shrink is a decanter filled with whisky that I refer to as Dr. Feel Good).
How about Teddy Bridgewater’s cock? That’s some USDA Prime meat right there and it shows, literally. Teddy B has the most wins for a rookie Vikings QB in ever; so don’t listen to people when they say it takes balls to win in the NFL, when we all know it’s the meat that earns the feat.
Matt Asiata got his last week so fuck him is what I say, also I email a guy named Zimmer and told him the same thing. Got a restraining order in the mail so I know I got to him. With the growing shadow of an Adrian “Switch” Peterson return looming I’m banking on McKinnon being the first RB to drop 100 on the Bears, because why the fuck not?
Vikings WRs are a fucking shit show, so go ahead and bet on Cordarrelle to have a boom game this week, maybe a kick return, maybe a blown coverage TD, something is going to happen and he’s going to score I’m as sure of that as I am that the only true cure for a hangover is a solid shower vomit followed by a massive bowl of whisky. That’s just facts.
Defense – They’ll score more points than the Bears.
What have we learned here? Well I don’t know and I’m not going back to find out.
Bears 27 Vikings 23