The Bills are on the precipice of yet another ass over teakettle flopping down the basement stairs of the AFC East. They desperately needed to turn this week 12 home game into a victory and what better way than to face the NY Jokes. But who the fuck are we kidding here, this is the Buffalo Bills we are talking about and they already built up enough hope for one year so may as well just state the inevitable.
Make sure to tuck your chin into your chest and protect your neck cause the stairs are as cold, hard, and unforgiving as my first girlfriend who wouldn’t bang me even after I put 4 months of hard work into out meaningful relationship, but then went out and boned the kid in her neighborhood with severe asthma. She nearly killed us both; if that’s
Folks youll half to forgive me if I dont exactly trust the city of Detroit to take care of the bills
— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) November 20, 2014
Now that the twitter has informed me the Bills / Jets tilt will be held in front of a packed (empty) house in the grand city of Detroit I guess I have to scrap all the snow related bullshit I was going to force down your throat (figuratively of course, I’m not Bill Cosby for fucks sake).
So what can we expect as fans of these two juggernauts? I’ll tell you what we can expect, after all that’s what I’m getting paid (video game tokens) for.
We can expect a low scoring shootout. Just imagine a gunfight from the greatest show ever about a platoon of elite soldiers who manage to never kill anyone even though they are constantly blowing shit up and turning B.A.’s sweet pussy getter into a tank using nothing more than a box of sparklers, three discarded fence posts, a Yield sign and some all American ingenuity. That’s right people this is the game you cannot miss this weekend even if it’s played on Monday.
Probably should start discussing the actual footballing that we will all be #blest to bear witness to. Hallelujah!
Mike Vick is playing for his next clipboard contract so I’d expect some sort of pedestrian game with 1 or 2 plays mixed in that cause some jackass to talk about how he is better than several current starting QBs and should be given the chance to start in Washington and mentor RGIII or some other such bullshit. Vick will certainly have a chance to prove that he still has it as the Bills’ DL is scarier than Kim Kardashian’s face at 6am, waking up in the bathtub after an all night Ray J golden shower session and by gawd that’s pretty fucking scary.
Now for the only thing you nerds care about, the numbers. My maths have concluded that Vick will go for 213 yards passing, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 21 yards rushing.
Kyle Orton needs to get that glorious neck beard back in action cause this clean-shaven shit doesn’t fly with me. If the Bills OL can hold up your favorite Uncle, they should be able to spread the balls around like Ron Jeremy at the AVN Awards. While it sucks ass to lose a “home game” Kyle should benefit from facing a pretty shitty Jets pass D being in a controlled environment (the Jets have given up the most TDs through the air in the NFL this year, where’s your Revis now Rex?). I’m expecting a 300 yard 2 TD 2 INT day from Kyle and you should too.
If you’re counting on the Jets or Bills RBs this weekend you’re probably fucked. Both teams are top 7 in shitting on RBs fantasies this year and that’s a theme I’d expect to continue this week so in good conscious I can’t suggest starting any of them unless you have no choice, in which case god speed and pass the booze.
Occasionally I like to point out a stat that is irrefutable and proves to be a true indicator of what we can expect of a player so here it goes. 1/3 of Sammy Watkins 100 yard games have come against the Jets. That’s a batting average of .333, that’s Hall of Fame level production that you can’t argue with. I expect Sammy to build on his Hall of Fame resume this week and so should you. I’m conservatively predicting 6 catches for 126 yards and 1 TD. Hogan and Woods, one of these guys will get a TD, the other wont, at best you get a WR3 at worst WR4/5. My gut says it’s Woods’ turn.
In 32 career dome games Percy Harvin is 18-14, which means he’s a winner. You should expect more of that this weekend as the Bills are usually good for giving up a big play or two and Percy makes his living off big plays. I’ve got Percy going 8 for 132 and 1TD and you can probably throw in 38 yards for some bullshit end-around that the Bills get fooled on.
Tight Ends – nothing to see here, move on.
Defense - Now this is where the game will be won. Want the stats? Of course you do.
Bills give up 6 fewer points and 2 fewer yards per game than the Jets and have 12 more sacks and 9 more INTs on the season. Which means they are better on defense because the numbers don’t lie except for that one time I convinced my girlfriend that the 6 was really a 9 on the ruler she was using to measure my….. Potential.
I think I’ve said a lot here and should probably get to the meat of the thing so here’s my prediction for this classic AFC East battle.
Bills 23 Jets 21