Featured image via Dave Rappoccio/thedrawplay.com
Editor’s Note: This isn’t a mean-spirited competition, it should be an opportunity to laugh, even if it is at yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. This is pure satire, all spelling errors are intentional.
Well here we are folks, we find our selves wrist deep in march sadness as we’re on to the Sad Sixteen. So while ESPN has there “experts” with a degree in “bracketology” Im hear to tell you that the only “degree” you should care about is how hot you takes are. There were a few upsets in round one but for the most part the brackets are shaking out just like we excepted them to.
The field was selected by you- so if you find yourselve not in the bracket and you think you should be, or if your upset that your in it to begin with, take it up with the fine folks from Football Savages- not me, your humble host.
Lets take a look at the current round of matchups- voting will go all through the weak, so I’ll see you at the polls.
Roger Saadell regional:
Omar Kelly verse Elliot Dennis. Going to be a blowout here folks. I set the line at Kelly -50%. Kelly is a fine reporter in that I dont think hes ever accidentaly killed anyone hes interviewing (looking in your directon Grantland) but hes so bad at twitter that hes to annoying to follow just to laugh at how bad he is. Combnation of ovetweeting and just usually not making sense IMO.
Sully verse Nagler is just basicaly a battle to see whose going to be the sacrifical lamb for Kelly thats a fact.
Jeff Sadderday regional:
IgglesNest verse Hubboch is basically like a 10 verse 8 second round matchup in that everyones going to show up early to watch it only because theres Duke verse Kentucky happening later in that sae arena when ProFootballTalk and DarrenRovell get together.
Lets analyze the most premere matchup iin the whole tournament here. I think Florio is in charge of the PFT account but I have noticed some signifcant changes over the passed couple years.
He engages in debate when a random follower says “Your bias”. He never use to do that. He use to stay above the fray and save his back and forth arguements for worthy opponets like Pete Prisco, or the Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot.
Hes including more about his personal life in his tweets. He’ll toss in a joke about how he has to drink redwine before he flys because he thinks hes John Madden or somthing. Hes also been braggin alot about Florio junior being better at football then he ever was which is called damning with faint prase if I ever saw it. His repsonses to the tweets about his son make Curt Schilllings replies look like bible verses IMO.
As for Darren Rovell, aside from being wrong alot, his tweets are meticoulously planned out do to what “rates” well wth the type of person who would follow rovell on twitter. This means a whole lot of fried foods, bacon, and mancave talk. In possibly the saddest twitter move of all time he registrerd a account for his newborn daughter like the day after she was born- a time when real menare celebrating his first child by pressureing his wife into finaly having sex again, or passing out cigars to our best friends which in Darrens case would be the Dos Equis man and whoever is in charge of the Dennys corporate twitter account.
True to form Darrens kids first tweet had to involve pimping a multibillon dollar companys ad presence:
Just met the e*trade baby in the nursery. COOLEST. BABY. EVER.
— Harper Rovell (@HarperRovell) February 29, 2012
Lets look at the Sad Ochocinco bracket now shall we?
Skip Bayless S.O.T. (stength of takes) is off the charts folks. The guy still beleves that RG3 is better then Andrew Luck. I have to admire Skip for being so loyal to his takes, Hes like one of those dogs you hear about when his friend dog gets run over in traffic and he wont leave the body of this mangled mutt no matter how many cars are zooming passed him. Thats Skip and his takes in a nutshell right there and theres no chance he loses this round.
Likewise for Prisco. Im not sure what NFLosophy did to land in the bracket but Priscos going to cavre him up so bad he’ll literaly look like JJ Watts nose after this rounds over. Then we have Prisco verse Bayless which will be like a chicky-run where instead of driving off a cliff they just see who can say the dumbest shit untill one admits they dont actually believe it.
My Wife Left Me regional:
Freemans going to be a cakewalk folks. More like Ian Cantyon.
But then. Oh but then. We have Schottey verse Peter King. This is a matchup to watch, its so interesting because Peter King is literaly what Schottey strives to be. But you come at the King and you better not miss folks. Schottey needs to aim higher then that. He can be any thing he wants to be as long as that thing is annoying and humerless.
I will give Schottey credit for his back and forth verse DeAngelo Hall about his tackling tendencys though that was pretty funny. But you know what folks? I know another young leader who tried to rise to promenence during a failed Hall push, and I think everyone else does too.
Schotteys got takes so white you could literaly call him a Bleach Reporter.
King on the other hand is in a league of his own. Say what you want about Schottey but I dont think he would ever tweet about how he is personaly connected to a suicide of a famous person, besides of course the fact that reading his tweets makes me want to kill myself. Peter King is a empire all his own, and hes got old man strength of takes like a Mitch Albom or a quasi-soberish Woody Page. Peters got a Brand advantage which is ironic because what hes about to do to Schottey will involve a coat hanger and a open flame.
You’re voting for members of the football community who best exemplify the spirit of bad internetting. All votes have guaranteed anonymity throughout.
Send us your saddest tweets and/or reasons for your votes in the comments section below, or via email.